It goes without saying that this is something I have had to learn to deal with. There have been days where I have had the best of intentions but in all honesty, without sleep I can barely function let alone achieve anything much other than making the dinner.
I remember when I didn’t sleep, I felt I simply couldn’t get out of bed. For a while there everyday was like this. Everyday wanting the night to start all over again, everyday simply passing the hours till the next opportunity for sleep. What a waste of a life that was. There have been times when getting my son breakfast and dropping him to daycare was the only thing I could muster before falling in a heap on arriving home from the school drop off.
Even if my life permitted me to stay in bed all day, I simply can’t do this, as I won’t be able to sleep again the next night. Daytime naps more than 20 or so minutes are an absolute no no for maintaining your natural circadian rhythm.
I remember having outfits on hand for when I was exhausted and ensemble including dark glasses, a hat or hair swept into a pony tail, a mini denim skirt and comfortable fitting top. I’m sure I didn’t get any wolf whistles on these days, which I found was a good thing, as all I wanted to do was be hidden to the world in my own little cocoon.
Being exhausted can be enough to make you want to cry simply for the fact that every day that goes by is another opportunity lost for someone as ambitious as myself. Saying this, even on days when I was living on 2 hours sleep I still managed to come up with money spinning ideas. What’s frustrating is not having the energy to implement them.
To be exhausted every day is to feel like you are in some weird no man’s land. It’s like you are not quite dead, but certainly not alive. The joy of life is gone and only the memory of good days and hope for more keeps one going. It’s like having a bad hangover every day of the year. When someone asks you how you are, you simply have to lie and say “great thanks” because no one really wants to hear “actually I feel shit”. I may tell my friends how exhausted I am, but I’m sure they think “here she goes again, the broken record”. I think Fight Club summed up the feeling of insomnia well.